I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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