Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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