OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My pussy is not your playground.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
