Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
