im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
