For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
