She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
