Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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