Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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