tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
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I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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