If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
