An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
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