I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
