The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
