I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
