the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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