apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
