She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
