i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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