on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
