mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
