You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
