you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
