Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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