I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
