I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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