i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
