It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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