i just wanna soil my oats bro
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Watching her eat just hurts me
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
