Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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