if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's official drugs can't kill me
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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