hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
