I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Found the puke drawer
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Randomize
