you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
