i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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