I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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