She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
