so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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