i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
