Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
