Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
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I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
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I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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