weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
