One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
