Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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