I hate your face
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
