Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize