I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The best revenge is premature balding
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
