he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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