I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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