I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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