I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
