Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
