my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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