My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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