with your own penis?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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