next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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