Swine flu. Run for my life!
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
