I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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