Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
