I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
